"Roger – you've left me in the shit again!!!" That was my ex-wife speaking on the phone after I'd finally summoned up the courage to speak to her after my latest disappearing act.
Two weeks ago I had an insurance payment through for £1500. I owed it all to my current landlord who had been so good to me and I was nigh on £2k in arrears with him. The money hit my account, I hit the bookies and surprise surprise I'd blown it all in a matter of hours.
So, did I react like a man and try put things right and make sure I could see my boys again this Friday somehow? Did I face the music begging yet again for forgiveness for my latest trail of destruction I'd caused? Of course not…., I did what any selfish, weak, self-pitying addict would do. I ran.
Look myself in the mirror? I hated being in my own skin. I thumped my head with my hands trying to inflict as much pain as possible. I hated what a complete twat I'd been once again. I had a fantastic weekend to look forward to. Friday and Saturday – seeing my boys. Saturday night – Rock the Moor VIP tickets with my girlfriend and friends to go too. Sunday – My eldest sons first Holy Communion and celebratory meal after. I knew all this but I still couldn't hold back the irresistible urge to get that hit, to try and win my way out of trouble again.
I went to ground, turned my phone off, took my laptop and slept rough in Slough, I wanted to punish myself. I grew up in the affluent and riverside town of Marlow where I'd spent most of my life. The last 2 years I spent in various places but the latest was Maidenhead. But to really punish myself – I thought I'd go to Slough. No-one will find me there.
I was reported missing by my ex-wife and girlfriend (now ex) and I've since learnt the police were looking for me everywhere. They even went to CNWL in London 5 times (the UKs only clinic dedicated to problem gamblers which I'd been referred to).
"Refreshingly diligent" said the Head Psychologist referring to the police when I met him last night for a one to one, begging to be let back on my course of treatment. One of the golden no-no's is missing two consecutive weeks and not informing them. I'd missed quite a few now and I needed it desperately. It's the best treatment I've had thus far.
"Do you actually want to see your children again?" my ex-wife asked.
I have two boys, 5 and 8 years old, who I love with all my heart and would die for and I'd sworn to myself I'd always be there for them unlike my father who I'd never met.
"Callum asked me the other day if he could cut up the Man Utd shirt you'd bought him".
"Why?" I tentatively replied dreading the answer.
"He wanted to make something out of it and said "Daddy won't care – he doesn't want to see me anyway'".
My addiction has had many low points and I've seen rock bottom a few times. Trust me, I know what it looks like.
But this topped the lot. My 8 year old son actually thinks his Dad doesn't want to see him. I had just earnt back a little trust from my ex-wife since my 4 week stay in the Psychiatric Ward at Heatherwood Hospital last September for depression, and both boys were now regularly staying with me every Friday night and Saturday day again. They, to a degree, had their Dad back again.
And now nothing. I had succumbed to my addiction, gambled every penny that I had and was too much of a coward to face the world.
Hello, my name's Roger and I'm a Gambling Addict.
My treatment has taught me that the seeds of my addiction may have been planted in my childhood, something I will explore with you over the next 365 days. But it truly sucked me in and tossed me around like a hurricane for the last 3 years.
I was in a good job, successful career and had been a decent salesman since my early twenties. I remember one job I had, think I was 23, I was UK Sales Manager travelling the length and breadth of the country. I got caught doing 113mph on the M40 and I thought that was it, job gone. I went to court and got subsequently banned from driving for 4 weeks. Tail between my legs defeated I told my boss wondering what the job market was like at the moment.
"Don't worry" he said. "We'll get you a chauffeur for a month".
I tell you this not because I'm arrogant, there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance I'd always been aware of and don't want to stray into that field.
I tell you to give you an idea that once upon a time I actually did ok. I've won awards, money, holidays - so looking back it makes it all the worse what I have become. What my gambling addiction and I had destroyed so ruthlessly. My ex-wife and her family will, reluctantly now, confirm I was a good laugh, decent guy with his heart in the right place and, most importantly, a fantastic Dad. I didn't have a strong family unit growing up and they had taken me into their lives and for nearly 14 years I loved them and every minute of it. They loved me too but now I couldn't walk in there house because of what I'd done to their daughter and grandchildren.
Like my ex-wife said "Nothing would get in the way of my addiction".
Gamblers Anonymous are reluctant to talk about figures but, with huge respect, I think it's important. I estimate that I have lost nigh on £90k as a result of my addiction. I wouldn't be at all surprised if its six figures. I've often wondered and would love to know if someone had a calculator viewing my life what the total would be. Surely that would shock me into stopping.
Now, if you're a Premiership footballer, movie or rock star, or millionaire clearly that's a drop in the ocean but for a one income family that's enormous. My income allowed my wife to bring up the kids from home and we did ok. We were always crap with money but we lived ok. It was a fun household.
My ‘journey’ during the height of my addiction in the last 3 to 4 years has seen many things that you would have thought would stop me dead in my tracks before placing another bet of any kind. But no. Still every time I have access to money, I gamble. In my sick head I have never accepted the losses I made. Not just the debt. The debt is a hugely significant factor which I will also detail. It's the self-loathing. The loss of respect from friends and loved ones. The successes I had. The lies and deceit. I have lied and lied and lied….and lied. It comes hand in hand with addiction unfortunately.
I wanted it all back and thought I could win it back. I still do.
So…drastic times call for drastic measures.
I know myself. I need focus and structure. And I need to be honest.
So the idea of doing this website is to help me overcome my demons. A public place for all my friends and loved ones to see every move I make. I aim to open myself up, warts and all, everything in the pursuit of beating my addiction. It will make uncomfortable reading for some but this is the only way I can see a way forward for me. This is a ‘vehicle' in which everyone will see my Weekly Cash Count, my total debts, the treatment I'm receiving and how I aim to pay people back orderly and fairly.
Along the way I will recount the journey of a gambling addict – past, present and future. How it took control and how I lost everything - and I don’t just mean financially. How easy it is to be sucked in and perhaps warn people who may be at the beginning of this addiction and make them think twice before it’s too late.
Of course there's no guarantees doing it this way and I may well end up looking a complete loser. My ex-girlfriend is highly dubious. "I won't keep it up" she justifiably predicts.
Yes agreed, there's no guarantees – but there's no guarantees doing it any other way either. If I fail the shame is multiplied because it's there for all to see. People close to me can communicate with each other, without my knowledge, to make sure I am adhering to what I say.
The lies stop now. That has to be the start point. Be honest with myself and everyone around me. The treatment, the counselling, all that will follow but I have to be honest and completely transparent.
I sought opinions about doing this from 8/9 people close to me whose opinions I value enormously. Most are highly dubious and want me to take small steps. I also know there are people who just want to throttle me and I accept that.
But deep down I am a good person, people have seen that and I need to start believing it again too.
I am a gambling addict and this is my vehicle to beat my addiction.
I will also go into detail on my view of the addiction. In my opinion it's not like alcoholism or drug addiction, which I guess everyone can understand because unfortunately that’s quite prevalent in today's society. Gambling is less accepted as an issue. In some ways gambling addiction is worse as the trail of destruction has everlasting effects. The debt specifically. That is not to undermine alcoholism or drug dependency – we are all the same. We can't see a way out so you keep going back to it. But I'm talking about gambling addiction.
Of course I would love to raise awareness about this issue as it will also give me more determination to beat it and succeed. So please, if you have landed here reading this and may know someone who is affected by this, pass it on. If speaking about my experiences and on-going treatment can stop 1, 2 …even just a few people think twice before entering the bookies or going online where betting is available 24/7, then of course I'd be delighted.
But…
Let me be clear…and honest.
My main objective is ‘what it says on the tin'! – Beating My Addiction.
I promised my boys 3 things:
- A trip to Old Trafford.
- A holiday in Barcelona taking in The Nou Camp along the way.
- And that they will be proud of their Dad again.
Once my debts are paid off that is the goal.
I will be an addict for the rest of my life, the 365 days is the first chapter because there has to be an end point for me. I can't keep writing this forever!
But I can beat this. I must win. I will win.
